I've seen it time and time again.
I get on a coaching call with a person who claims to be really stuck.
They've tried a bunch of different things, but nothing much is happening except the same merry-go-round (which is not so merry) of thoughts and problems, would-be solutions and discouraging outcomes.
Are they actually stuck?
Do I believe them?
Well, I believe they think they're really stuck (which is as good as being stuck—because, let's face it, there's no objective way to measure stuckness; it's a feeling, and as with any feeling, it ebbs and flows with little to no intervention).
Truthfully, their thinking is their only problem.
But it isn't even a problem. The specific thoughts they're thinking aren't problems and the fact that they're thinking isn't a problem. This is all normal functioning of the mind.
It's just what minds do. ALL minds.
So, when I say their thinking is their only problem, what I mean is: They're feeling stuck because they're wrapped up in a ton of thinking.
They're doubling down on whatever thought(s) feels sticky and trying over and over again to think their way out of it, around it, through it.
Ever notice how these sorts of think-a-thons don't seem to land you an insight or a decision or a solution?
Things tend to get even more mixed up and unclear?
Yeah, that's because the mind is like the emcee of the think-a-thon, and minds are notoriously bad at producing useful solutions.
What does often produce a useful solution, however, is the space that exists when the mind is quiet and relaxed. When all the strategizing is abandoned and things start to settle down in the old noggin.
It's why your best ideas happen in the shower or when you're driving or after you've taken a nap.
It's the absence of that noisy, frantic, effortful problem-solving, coming from a narrator who has a penchant for catastrophizing and pro/con lists.
That space? That silence? That relaxed state? That's where the stuck loses its stick.
Clarity happens. A solution or an insight or an obvious next move materializes. Things are free and loose and flowing once again.
It never comes from muscling through a bunch of thinking, though our minds would have us believe that they played a vital role in the process.
So, where do we go first in a coaching conversation?
Do I have a magical way to unstick the stuck for my clients? If so, how do I it?
Do I try to convince them they're not actually stuck, they just think they're stuck?
And will that be enough to unstick them?
What we do together is try to relax the mind. We try to soften the focus on whatever feels intractable. We try to pull back so that we're not quite as close to the situation.
I don't use hypnosis or guided visualizations or any other particular technique. The idea here is to do a whole lot less, not to add more.
We talk. We acknowledge how much thinking is happening around and about the apparent problem. (It starts to get really obvious once it's pointed out.) We begin to notice all the ways the mind is showing up—all of its efforts to push through the apparent problem with more thinking.
Once we see how their thinking has created the problem (and also the problematic feeling of stuckness), we recognize that nothing more—no outward action—is necessary.
That feeling of stuckness is like a 'check engine' light, alerting us to the fact that the mind is a bit too involved at the moment. It's overheating, overthinking, and overcomplicating.
Stuck isn't a thing to be solved; on the contrary, it's a fabulous indication that it's time to take a step back. There's already too much interference. Timeouts for everyone!
So, if no outward action is necessary, what do we do with our remaining time together, the client and I?
Well, as all the heavy thinking lifts and the client begins to see that their job isn't to unstick the stuck, to find a way forward, or even to change their thoughts, their perspective changes quite naturally.
They start to see their situation from a bird's eye view, where they're no longer mired in the apparent problem, but are aware of all the thinking that was creating the apparent problem and making it feel intractable.
Unsticking happens on its own, sometimes during the session and sometimes afterward, as a result of a quieted mind and a person seeing something they didn't see before.
What do you think?
Tell me what it is about this approach to coaching that interests you. Have you experienced coaching before? Was it anything like this, or completely different? Drop a comment below and let’s discuss.