Dear Helen,
My husband is depressed and introverted and makes no effort to connect, yet he still wants intimacy. One of my sons is autistic and says hurtful things or hurts his brother daily. I find it hard to be a conscious, positive person in this environment, yet also stuck in the "prison" of my situation. I try to look at silver linings and to be grateful and be a good parent to my boys, but often take my husband and one son's behavior to heart. So, I suppose with that context, how do I navigate life without taking the challenges and "little cuts" personally?
Thank you!
Feels Personal
Dear Feels Personal,
Yes, it sounds like it would be very hard to be a "conscious, positive person" in the environment you're describing!
Then again, I think it's really hard to make ourselves be anything—especially if it's not what's already arising spontaneously.
What if you dropped the need to be a "conscious, positive person"?
Your mind might try to convince you that you need these efforts to be conscious and positive—otherwise how will you show up? Will you be awful to the loved ones around you? Will you not care how you treat them?
In my experience, that isn't what happens.
What actually happens is, we release ourselves from the added burden of trying to feel differently than we feel.
We welcome the feelings that are showing up.
We allow them to be here (no matter if they seem petty and negative).
We feel them, wherever and however they're arising.
And—and this is the clincher—we don't need these feelings to change!
We don't need to say the nasty thing back (so we can stop feeling hurt). We don't need to yell or get hostile (to make the feeling of frustration or irritation go away). We don't need to withhold intimacy (to drive home a point).
We can feel whatever we're feeling without needing it to go away, without needing to act from that feeling.
It will go away on its own. We just have to feel it first—and try not to cause ourselves more suffering by attempting to change or stop the unpleasant feeling.
The other part of this that might be helpful for you to look at is what feels personal.
Your husband's depression and how it affects your closeness.
Your son's hurtful words and actions.
Your mind has you believing that those things are actually about you. A real, solid, separate YOU that either deserves or doesn't deserve such treatment.
But what if that isn't true?
What if your husband and son are simply feeling things in the moment and then spontaneous actions are occurring?
What if none of it has to do with you? What if what you're taking personally can't, in fact, be personal at all?
I know it really seems like other people's apparent actions toward us must have to do with us. We're sort of conditioned to think that's how relationships work.
Things feel personal—but what if it's only because you're thinking you have a personhood to defend?
If you are whole and intact no matter what happens (and you absolutely are), then circumstances don't actually matter.
They might be inconvenient. They might occasionally feel upsetting or even devastating.
But they can't change what's fundamentally 'you,' because what's fundamentally 'you' is unchanging.
There is nothing to defend. Nothing is under attack. Nothing is personal.
There's just what's arising in this moment, what might or might not feel challenging—and there's something we call 'you,' who's observing those challenges and her feelings about them.
What happens if you allow it to be that simple? (Email me directly if you want to talk more about this.)
I hope this helps.
Love,
Helen