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Helen McLaughlin

W1355 Van Asten Rd
Appleton, WI, 54912
2628643536

Helen McLaughlin

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WF archives

18: Out of time

December 28, 2015 Helen McLaughlin

MY PARENTS' HOUSE | long island, ny

I promise I didn't forget about you. But, I'm terribly short on time and Wi-Fi and space and curiosity. We're camped out at LaGuardia Airport, a place that normally fascinates me, but today? Today, I feel like all I want are hugs from the people I love. Today, I really miss my family, and I wish there were more time. I want more time. I want everything to last longer and nothing to disappear. Here, surrounded by strangers, I'm realizing how misguided it was to have bemoaned yesterday's big social gathering; I was anxious about how huge and talk-y I knew it would be (it was both), and it wasn't until the evening ended that I appreciated what a lucky thing it is that we can fill an entire event hall with really super people who really love my family. Even as it overwhelms me—that kind of luck, that hugeness, that amalgamation of goodness—it fills me right up. I wish there were more of it. I wish it didn't have to end. I wish. I wish. I wish. In any case, it's with me now. I've got hold of it. I'm carrying it as we fly back to the RV, as we fly forward into the new year.

'Til soon,
Helen


Notes from the week of December 20

MEALS EATEN, DRINKS DRUNK

+ quiche
+ cookies (my mom makes these and they're to die for)
+ pesto (my dad grows the basil, makes the sauce, and freezes batches to last all winter)
+ ramen noodle soup

FRIENDS/FAMILY VISITED

+ Mom, Dad, Dave, & Sarah Jo
+ so many cousins, aunts, uncles
+ Davis family
+ Kitty & Zane
+ Kaylin

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17: The (almost) twelve days of sickness

December 21, 2015 Helen McLaughlin

TWIN FOUNTAINS RV PARK | oklahoma city, ok

I want to write about something, anything, but this—but, if I am to stay true to reporting my findings since last I wrote, then I must disclose that I've been mostly bedridden since Tuesday with an Epic Cold. Which means my latest findings are of a particularly horizontal, tissue-break-friendly nature. Aiming to stay curious means, sometimes, slowing alllll the waaaaay down (as if by choice!) and seeing what happens, or doesn't happen. My results?

H A P P E N E D

  • daytime napping
  • showers (mainly for the steam)
  • meaningful conversations with my Love Interest
  • side-by-side comparison of three different flavors of Halls throat lozenges (cherry won)
  • 3:30 a.m. email catch-up...because I was awake and couldn't lie there any longer
  • stretches of time where I felt sort of, somewhat, like an only-slightly-sick human and could sink into a task for an hour or so

D I D N ' T  H A P P E N

  • nighttime sleeping
  • steps, or exercise of any kind (can't remember the last time I went for an actual walk)
  • phone calls, coaching, touch-bases (canceled everything)
  • all three meals in one day
  • generative writing (rote is where it's at; give me something to transcribe and I'll transcribe it)
  • a proper trying-on of dress options for my brother and sister-in-law's marriage celebration this coming Sunday (threw two into my suitcase and am hoping for the best)

An old friend of mine who happens to be equal parts creative rebel and hardcore scientist once told me her secret for coping with anxiety (she had lots of it). "I just get really interested in it," she said. And what she meant was this: She treated her anxiety like it was the results of an experiment she'd just conducted. She'd say to herself, Hmm, I seem to be experiencing symptoms of anxiety, and then she'd analyze it and play with it and observe it, exactly as she would something to which she had no emotional attachment. Sometimes, it was, Huh, I could've responded half of a dozen different ways to this thing; I wonder why my brain went with anxiety. Or, How interesting! This situation seems to be triggering a fight-or-flight response. Is there any real cause to fight or flee, here? That outlook gave her a little distance from the Scary Thing, enough distance that she could actually learn something about herself from it.

Being so sick for longer than I'd hoped has me doing something similar: making flat observations like the ones above, documenting the events of the past week without an emotional attachment to (or a need to change) the outcome. There's something about listing it so plainly—here's what happened, here's what didn't—that allows all of it to be what is. Which is the surrender I most need now, anyway.

Where in your life can you become a bit more factual, and, in turn, grow in your acceptance of what is? Hit 'reply' and share with me.
 
'Til soon,
Helen

P.S. Wishing a warm and twinkly Merry Christmas to you! May this holiday season bring you the brightness and lightness you most need.


Notes from the week of December 13

DISCOVERED

+ how very much I love Vicks VapoRub and how I have no shame about applying it to my philtrum on the regular (and how I'm blissfully ignorant about how bad for my health this might be)
+ the name for the vertical groove between my nose and upper lip
+ how very much I like the word 'philtrum'
+ Puffs lotion tissues, infused with the scent of Vicks (I clutched a handful of these to my face in the deepest, darkest hours of congested sleeplessness)

ADMIRED

+ Bill "Bojangles" Robinson's step dance from 1934 (via my mom)

MEALS EATEN, DRINKS DRUNK

+ hot toddies (preparation pictured in header)
+ vegetable soup
+ Margherita pizza (consumed ravenously just yesterday)
+ eggs & toast
+ copious quantities of hot tea (always with honey)
+ Zarbee's cough relief nighttime drink mix (oddly enough, made me cough more, but the melatonin put me to sleep)

READ & NODDED MY HEAD

+ Sarah P. Miller's most recent TinyLetter on intentions
+ Vanessa Jean's most recent TinyLetter on getting older
+ Donna Hopkins's most recent post on wonder and wander

FRIENDS VISITED

+ Jenna & Rich

ANTICIPATING

+ two movies at the drive-in tonight
+ going for a long, slow walk
+ queso (always)
+ sitting in the middle seat on the plane (unpleasant anticipation for this one)
+ seeing my parents
+ reuniting with cousins and best friends

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16: Helpful curiosities

December 14, 2015 Helen McLaughlin

TWIN FOUNTAINS RV PARK | oklahoma city, ok

Today's note is a little different; it's an impromptu special edition that I'm calling Helpful Curiosities. You see, along with this being the season of joy and giving, some of us are also in the season of quiet overwhelm, of loneliness, of anxiety, of not-quite-enoughness, of money troubles, of holy-wow-the-world-is-extra-scary. Your average gift guide has a way of forgetting all about the less-pleasant nuances of the human experience this season. So, in the spirit of inclusivity, love, and the question that I hold as the backbone of personal transformation (How might this [career, relationship, situation, fill-in-the-blank] change if I approached it with a sense of bubbling and unbridled curiosity?), I'd like to share with you a short list of helpful curiosities, for yourself and others.

1. www.five.sentenc.es is a super simple website (and premise), the tagline of which is, A Disciplined Way to Deal with Email. The gist: "Email takes too long to respond to, resulting in continuous inbox overflow for those who receive a lot of it [...] www.five.sentenc.es is a personal policy that all email responses regardless of recipient or subject will be five sentences or less." I first encountered this policy when a new friend emailed me and I saw the following in her signature: "My goal: www.five.sentenc.es." I knew her brevity wasn't personal; she was on a quest to reclaim some of her time, to use pockets of it consciously, and to be transparent about her efforts to do so. Feeling overwhelmed by email? Tack on a message to your signature and cut yourself some slack.

2. Make media lists. Hard-pressed for ideas (or cash) when it comes to holiday gift-giving? Compile a list—handwritten or electronic—of very specific and relevant recommendations (movies, music, podcasts, apps) for each individual on your list. Think of it as a custom-tailored entertainment cheatsheet. I'm a fan of hand-doodled snail mail, but, if you prefer a less-handmade look, try using Canva to create a fun (and free) graphic that you can then deliver via email.

3. Take inventory of 2015, so you don't lose track of your growth. The years I didn't take an inventory are a bit blurry and indistinct, while the ones that ended with a conscious review and intention-setting wound up being defining. My brilliant coach-friend Caroline has offered up her personal approach to this process in a free PDF that you can type into directly, without the hassle of printing it out and storing it somewhere. I plan to work on mine during our quiet New Year's Eve non-celebration. :-)

4. Get out from behind email (as with #1) and set some dates to connect. Consider scheduling actual visits or Skype visits with your favorite people. Purchase or draw up your own 2016 calendar, circle the dates you can commit to (don't forget to note them in your own datebook!), and then gift your family and friends with the calendar, a visual promise that you'll have more face time in the coming year.

5. Change your desktop wallpaper, change your life. I'm a big believer in the enormous power of words, so I've just installed Esmé Wang's uplifting (and free) wallpaper for a little motivation. Also: Change your password, change your life. This isn't a finding from this past week, but from well over a year ago. I remember sitting at my work desk, reading Mauricio Estrella's article, and immediately taking heed. Not to get all woo-woo on you, but, I could never have imagined how much my life would change, following this one small tweak. As with #3, intention is everything. (As is perspective.)

I love hearing from you. If you feel moved to do so, please hit 'reply' and share your thoughts and findings with me.

'Til soon,
Helen


Notes from the week of December 6

DISCOVERED

+ the difference between 'nice' and 'kind'—two pieces (via Donna Hopkins)
+ Laundry Line Divine, Brenna Layne, and Alyssa Hursh (all via Vanessa Jean)
+ Quest 2016 (also via Vanessa Jean)

ADMIRED

+  my Love Interest's genius with spreadsheets (he got me organized with just a few clicks)
+ two new-to-me hashtags on Instagram, both of which are veritable treasure troves of snail mail delight ('showandmail' and 'letterwritersalliance')

MEALS EATEN, DRINKS DRUNK

+ ginger snaps
+ pho with tofu (my first pho experience—I'm sold!)
+ massaman curry with tofu
+ ginger broccoli and tofu
+ late night grilled cheese
+ Mediterranean mint ice cream

BOOKMARKED (HAVEN'T READ, WANT TO READ, OR AM IN THE PROCESS OF READING NOW)

+ Syllabus: Notes from an Accidental Professor by Lynda Barry
+ The Girl on the Train (I'm about halfway through the audiobook, in fact) by Paula Hawkins
+ The Desire Map (audiobook) by Danielle LaPorte, gifted to me by the inestimable Stephanie Ducharme

CURIOSITIES DISPLAYED

+ felted ball garlands
+ more fairy lights
+ Netflix yule log

CURIOSITIES NOTED

+ it's 70 degrees in the middle of December, and I've got winter wonderland music playing—this is a confusing time
+ also, rain instead of snow...

PRODUCED

+ letter after letter for Year of Wonder, which has been so beautifully received

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15: Be, try, ask (the lather, rinse, repeat of personal growth)

December 7, 2015 Helen McLaughlin

HOBBY LOBBY | oklahoma city, ok

This week does not locate me in an airport, which feels like it should be an improvement for my writing process, but actually has me a bit stuck at the moment (no doubt, Parkinson's law is in full effect). So, I'm going to propose an idea, give myself a small challenge, do something that makes me uncomfortable because I'm a not-so-closeted perfectionist aiming to find satisfaction with "good enough," with slow-cooking, with seeking and not-knowing. I'm setting a timer for one hour and then clicking 'send' no matter the state of this letter. Ready? Ready. [60:00]

I feel as though last week was a big learning week for me. If I look closely, most weeks have a whole bunch of lessons woven  tightly through them, but last week seemed to present me with one bright learning opportunity after another, no seam-ripping or hemming and hawing necessary. The brightest? They might look a little messy (they're not completely formed, let alone completely digested), but here goes:

BE | TRY | ASK. These have hidden wings. Last week, I found that being myself is enough. I got a little chatty on Twitter (thought I'd never get on board with that platform, and maybe it's my Siren song and I'll regret this, but I seem to be on board...for now), and realized that being myself takes most of the anxiety out of social media. I imagined I was speaking to my friends, and, somehow, this resulted in being retweeted, having a few fun exchanges, and even connecting with a couple women I really admire (one, I've followed online for years and regard as an internet celebrity!). Trying is always better than not trying. It's simple, almost too simple, so I usually forget it or sort of pretend that past events have taught me otherwise. But, when I'm not keeping scoring of past events, I realize that I'd always rather try to make the friend than stop short of my desire. (Speaking of, that artist with whom I connected a couple weeks back? I forgot to tell you that when I first reached out to her via email, shy and shaky as anything and pretty transparent about that fact, she replied: "I'd love to meet you. Never be too shy to ask for anything you want. I'm glad you emailed.") In general, asking is difficult for me (and I trust I'm not alone on that one). I fear that my asking is putting someone out. Giving him or her extra work. Making waves instead of going with the flow, and all that. [30:26—insert expletive of your choosing] At the AT&T store this past weekend, I asked for information about replacing the glass film that protects the screen of my phone. Mine got badly scratched and began to chip in two places, sharp nicks that caught my finger on a few occasions. I knew it could be replaced for free if I hopped online and registered the product, but we saw an AT&T location and thought we'd try our luck at getting a replacement in-person. Oh boy, the asking was intensely uncomfortable for me! It should be noted, though, that before I even made my ask, the sales associate offered to ask his manager about replacing the glass film in-store instead of online—still, it absolutely unnerved me to request something that seemed exceptional, a definite rule-bending, a favor I didn't earn. [15:22] I squirmed as we waited near a holiday display of activity trackers. "I don't want to make trouble," I announced, rather obviously. My Love Interest was supportive and reminded me that asking, in and of itself, doesn't hurt anything. Not unlike the act of seeking, the act of staying curious and not being attached to a specific outcome, asking is a palms-open approach. It says, I am ready and willing to receive. It indicates a gentle receptivity to what is and what might be. So, that's where I've landed since last we spoke. Still forming, still digesting, but it feels like a lot of good-shifting.

What winged lessons have you learned in the past week? Hit 'reply' and share with me. [5:23—phew! Now, subject line and 'send'!]

'Til soon,
Helen


Notes from the week of November 29

DISCOVERED

+ Steal Like An Artist & Show Your Work! by Austin Kleon
+ "Problems of output are problems of input"

ADMIRED

+ Jen Lee's writing on "demystifying the process"
+ the easiness of the conversations on the Just Between You & Me podcast

MEALS EATEN, DRINKS DRUNK

+ gingerbread men
+ Clancy's 2011 red blend (experimenting with highly rated, but inexpensive, wines—this is a great one)
+ spinach & black bean quesadillas (on the George Foreman)

BOOKMARKED (HAVEN'T READ, WANT TO READ)

+ Maps of the Imagination: The Writer As Cartographer by Peter Turchi
+ A Muse and a Maze: Writing as Puzzle, Mystery, and Magic by Peter Turchi
+ The Puzzle Instinct: The Meaning of Puzzles in Human Life by Marcel Danesi

CURIOSITIES DISPLAYED

+ more than a dozen little bottle brush trees—above the microwave, along the spice rack, everywhere (they make me inexplicably happy)
+ sprigs of felted mistletoe

COINCIDENCES NOTED

+ I remembered & finally hunted down this charming piece on taking care of your notebook
+ then happened to scan Twitter, where I found this piece on the importance of the notebook (via Addie K. Martin)
+ then spent some time reading Ann Wood's latest newsletter, which linked to this post of hers on recording your good ideas, and sent me down a rabbit hole, reading her older posts on keeping notebooks, such as this post and this one, too
+ which reminded me of the oft-quoted & delicious essay by Joan Didion

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14: Self-validation is the best validation

November 30, 2015 Helen McLaughlin

HIGH CLIFF STATE PARK | sherwood, wi

We're back in the airport today, gearing up for our return flight to our sweet RV (fingers crossed nothing has frozen) and our sometimes-mobile, sometimes-stationary life. It's been an excellent week, full of love and thanks, but I can't wait to get back to business as usual.

I want to tell you about something I'm going through—a thing that has me knee-deep in my own process and frustration and ego: I'm a not-yet-published writer. I'm a whole bunch of other things, too, but the not-yet-published-writer identity is one that's haunted me since I finished my MFA in creative writing in 2009 and began feeling that I 'should' be published. The drive to see my work in print came from a deep desire for validation...and an equally deep fear that I wasn't a writer if I wasn't a published writer. I gave myself one year: For one year after graduate school, I submitted my short stories to various journals and magazines and kept a tidy record of what went where and who sent encouraging rejection letters (believe it or not, there is such a thing). I tacked those rejection letters all around the frame of a giant window in my tiny apartment. And then, as they multiplied, to the back of my bedroom door. For one year, I went out on the limb where writers must live full-time. And then, without meaning to (but, certainly because it was easy to), I gave up.

I wish I could say my motive has changed. Alas, it hasn't. I wish I could say I don't still feel the pangs of wondering if I'm good enough, all the while believing that publication will give me the confidence I seek. But, I still do. These are things I'm working on, actively. These are some of my tenderest spots. This is where I don't have it figured out, not even a little bit.

Back in September, after five years of keeping my work to myself, not trying, not risking, not even writing very much—save for the past 14 weeks, here, to you—I wrote a flash essay for an online magazine ('flash' mandates its length not exceed 500 words; something about that extreme brevity felt safe to me). The call for submissions was on the topic of 'home'. Oh, I've so got this, I thought.

I was right and I was wrong: I wrote an essay that so perfectly captures the spirit of our right-now home, along with our larger quest for our Together Home (now that we've found Home in each other), and I really treasure what I created, probably because it's about this era of our lives, and about love and hope, and because I tried—but, it hasn't been accepted for publication at this time. Read it here, if you like. (I think it's really good.)

'Til soon,
Helen


Notes from the week of November 22

STAYED AT PAPER VALLEY HOTEL

MEALS EATEN, DRINKS DRUNK

+ Saltines (while recovering from food poisoning)
+ portobello mushroom stroganoff (I'm not one for turkey; this was a superb alternative)
+ stuffing
+ cranberry gelatin salad
+ mashed potatoes
+ green bean casserole
+ Lois's famous taco dip
+ veggie pizza

LOCAL COLOR EXPERIENCED

+ downtown Waukesha
+ November snow
+ Woodman's Food Market (absurdly large and contains an infinite variety)
+ Mills Fleet Farm
+ watching a Packers game (on TV) while in Wisconsin
+ Chili John's Chili
+ quick archery lesson and practice (I'm a decent shot!)

SURPRISES COLLECTED

+ I fly first-class for the FIRST TIME tonight (thanks to an unexpected and fortuitous upgrade); I plan to have a glass of bubbly in hand ASAP!

FRIENDS/FAMILY VISITED

+ Burda
+ Nick
+ Mike, Becky, Annabelle, Madeleine, Alice, Harry, Lois, & Heather

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