Resilience: not just for the birds

We encountered a robin who was insistent on making her nest atop the light fixture by the side garage door—the door we use to get to and from our car.

In theory, this is the perfect spot for a nest; it's covered by the overhang of the garage roof and it's a relatively low-traffic area; it's high enough off the ground, but completely inaccessible to the acrobatics of squirrels and mostly hidden from the hungry eyes of crows.

There is one problem, however.

We have to walk through that doorway multiple times a day.

And while we've no predatory intentions whatsoever, we do know that once eggs are laid and, later, baby birds are present, no robin will be happy with us for repeatedly getting close to the nest. We'll seem predatory no matter the benevolence in our hearts.

Plus, the last thing we want is to carry a new baby over that threshold, ever fearful of a bird who's equally protective of her own new hatchlings.

So, last week, my husband removed the beginnings of a nest: some dried-up strings of plant matter that were loosely, but expertly coiled around the spire of the light fixture. I watched from the kitchen window and felt guilty for disturbing nature, even as I saw that it needed to happen.

Well, the robin wasn't giving up so easily.

Within an hour, a new nest was well underway.

I watched from the kitchen window as the robin swooped by, making trip after trip with streamers of raffia hanging from her beak. She was adept and efficient, and things started to take shape much quicker this time around.

"We've got another situation," I called out to my husband.

He headed outside, stuffing his hands into the gardening gloves, just as the bird flitted away to secure more building materials.

This second nest was more substantial than the first, which could almost be brushed away—and after he brought it to the window to show me, he walked it to the back of the garage and deposited it among the weed trees and the wild lilies that are just starting to emerge from the earth after our long Wisconsin winter.

Naturally, I felt some kinship with the robin. I'm in a period of nesting, too. Maybe even slightly frantic nesting.

A baby is coming!

There's urgency!

Things have to be in place!

So, did it really surprise me when, the following morning, I looked out the kitchen window to see the robin working on a nearly complete nest?

Not truly.

She was spending more time inside the nest, itself, instead of flying back and forth to collect and assemble.

Pressing her body into the bowl of dried grass systematically, mud on her breast like a sculptor, this robin's determination seemed hardwired.

Things were taking shape.

Our light fixture wore the nest like a crown.

When my husband went outside, he peeked behind the garage and saw that the bird's second nest was missing.

She must've lifted it from the ground and replaced it on the light fixture.

Thanks to some overnight rain, she laid mud within the fragments, gluing them together.

The current nest was her attempt to salvage the previous day's efforts.

You know how this story (unfortunately) ends.

Our decision* was to remove the nest.

To be consistent in our signaling to the bird, pre-eggs, that this particular location wasn't an ideal spot, after all.

Nesting high up in the exposed rafter tails of our roof would be better for everyone (in fact, a few of those spots are already occupied by other robins—and we get along quite well with those neighbors).

Still, we had to admire the robin's repeated efforts to make a nest where she wanted to make a nest.

Wallowing wasn't an option.

No one was throwing a pity party.

Surrendering didn't occur to her—until, of course, it became very apparent that a stable nest was needed as soon as possible...and in the span of 12 hours, no such nest existed.

On this, my final day in the office before my maternity leave begins, I want to leave you with a few things to chew on:

  • How quick have you been to give up, historically?

  • After your nest disappears, do you find yourself collecting more twigs and grass and mud—and beginning again? Or are you too busy collecting evidence that your plan won't work? that you're a failure? that it isn't meant to be?

  • How many times are you willing to endure everything falling to pieces?

  • In your mind, is 'square one' ever an opportunity, or is it always a catastrophe?

  • If determination were a hardwired trait of yours, how would things be different for you? Going forward, are you willing to operate as though it's hardwired?

You won't be hearing from me for a good long while, as I become a mother and navigate this new chapter of life with my family.

Without a doubt, though, I'll be back on the blog come fall and we'll get to reconnecting.

In the meantime, here's wishing you tenacity, resilience, and a finely developed intuition that guides you in determining both when to stay the course and when to apply your efforts elsewhere.

*In sharing this story with you, I worried about the response I might get for participating in disturbing wildlife. My husband willingly takes the blame here, since he wanted the nest gone from the get-go—but I won't let him. Bleeding heart that I am, I initially thought we could leave things alone—that is, until I considered our little baby's bald head, exposed to possible territorial dive-bombing when we return from the hospital and then as we make our first trips to the pediatrician...and simply can't avoid the walkway between the house and the garage. That's when it became our decision. And I stand by it. Thank you for respecting my judgment call.

What my childbirth preparation class has to do with you

We attended our first childbirth preparation class last week.

In case you're not familiar: It's the sort of thing someone signs up for in her third trimester of pregnancy, usually through her local hospital or birthing center, with the express purpose of learning about the labor and delivery process.

You might've seen such classes portrayed on TV or in the movies—couples scattered around a room; heavily pregnant females reclined against their partners, eyes closed, engaged in some sort of relaxation or breathing technique.

"It's a rite of passage," I keep telling my husband, though neither of us is particularly jazzed about spending two and a half hours every week in a hospital conference room.

Did I mention it takes place on a weeknight?

And that it'll go on like this for the next month or so?

Still, we willingly signed up for this and we'll see our commitment through to the end.

Plus, I'm sure we'll learn something.

Something that, no doubt, we can get from a book or a website, but in this age of information accessibility and internet searchability, it can be really nice to return to the analog—to being taught and guided by someone who has real-life experience and knowledge, and wants to share it.

Just like us, eight other couples are bringing pillows and blankets, a snack, and their attention to the class—and we sit together in this liminal space, all of us on the brink of becoming parents for the first time.

Of course there's a slide deck and a PVC pelvis model and a baby doll and a molded plastic cervical effacement and dilation chart...but there's something else in the room, too.

(And maybe that's the thing we're actually there for, you know? The unpinpointable thing that has nothing to do with the facts of what lies ahead for all of us.)

In what other gathering of people can we expect to find this same collective mix of joy and terror?

When else do we get the opportunity to sit with others who are about to have their lives changed in the same profound way?

Come to think of it: When else do we actually know ahead of time that life is about to change profoundly for us, and when else do we get to prepare for it (probably more like “prepare” for it) in a way such as this?

Kind of cool, no?

So, the childbirth prep class—and my own feelings about attending it—have me once again considering the importance of mindset.

You might not be looking forward to that all-staff meeting at the end of the week.

Or maybe it's parent-teacher conferences.

Your kid's spring recital.

An organization you belong to that's convening to vote on something.

When you think about going, it feels like a drag.

You'll be tired.

It'll take longer than you want to give it.

You'd rather stay home.

The challenge here for you is to identify some element of the experience that transcends the event, itself.

What else might be happening at the gathering that's, perhaps, less obvious?

Is there a deeper meaning to it—some virtue that's being pursued collectively (or one that you can at least choose to connect with, to inspire some personal investment in it)?

Maybe there's nothing.

Maybe you look and plumb and consider...and it really is just a meeting you don't feel like attending.

Nothing else, nothing more.

But maybe you've found your access point, your way in.

Maybe you can transform your experience of this thing, now that you're willing to see it for what else it is or could be.

Does this resonate with you? Share with me below.

You're not behind

I'm reading the Kindle version of a book that's sat in my phone for well over a year now. It's a memoir called Tracks: A Woman's Solo Trek Across 1700 Miles of Australian Outback, and it's written by Robyn Davidson. I bought it a while back when it went on sale for something like two dollars and I'd thought, Now, there's a story I need to hear.

Something that surprised me this past weekend: It isn't until you're 41 percent of the way through this book (the Kindle version tells you how far along you are) that Robyn actually begins her trek in earnest, four camels in tow.

What was she doing for the first 41 percent of the book?

She was trying to learn about camels—how to ride them, how to train them, how to pack them.

She was trying to figure out how to acquire three of her own.

She was trying to navigate tumultuous relationships with the people who had the skills and know-how that she needed desperately to learn.

She was trying to keep herself fed and sheltered and of sound mind, body, and spirit.

She was trying to survive.

This means that 41 percent—almost half—of this book isn't about the specific journey we readers think it will be about.

This means that traversing 1700 miles of Australian outback is just one piece of the picture—a mighty piece at 50 percent or so, but still, not the entire story.

What else might this mean?

Our lives, yours and mine, are a whole lot bigger than whatever we believe is the major plot point.

No matter if it's an exciting, terrifying, encouraging, disappointing, joyful, or heartbreaking plot point.

There's a TON of story that comes before—and, if we're fortunate, there will be a TON of story that comes after.

Also: Our journeys contain heaps more than the action-y bits.

Whether or not we think we've started our Big Thing, it actually began way back when we came into this world—our Camel Studies 101 days, as it were—and it might take 41 percent (or more!) of our lives before we realize that right now is 'go' time, before we've developed the tenacity to take the next step, before we lead our caravan off into the desert to do the thing we suspect we're meant to do with our time here.

Where are you at in your big journey?

Still earning money to have a saddle made?

Standing at the edge of the last settlement before an abyss of sand?

Or are you in the thick of it, sweating as you consult the map once again, adjust the camels' packs, and talk to yourself just to remember what your voice sounds like?

Wherever you are, the story is bigger than you can imagine. Don't lose perspective.

Less time, more meaning: a social media experiment

It’s called social media for a reason, right?

Yet how many times do I find myself scrolling and looking and reading and double-tapping…without even a lick of engagement?

You, too?

(It’s okay, safe space here. ;-)

Sure, someone posts something lovely or tragic on Instagram and you can bet I’ll leave a heartfelt comment (“Three cheers to you on your promotion! So deserved!” or “I’m so sorry to hear about Mr. Tiddlywinks. I know he was a huge part of your family”)—but aside from that, there’s A LOT of thought that goes on in my head when I’m scrolling and reading and liking…and very little of it makes its way into the comments section of anyone’s posts.

Very little of my social media activity is actually social.

What’s the point, then?

(This is how people lose entire hours to an app.)

A few weeks ago, I decided to set up a little experiment.

How can I become more engaged with the people in my feed while simultaneously spending less time on Instagram? I asked myself.

I played around with my phone settings and wound up creating a 15-minute daily limit for myself. I know, I know, 15 minutes seems like nothing. (And compared to my previous activity levels, it really is nothing!)

But 15 minutes a day felt like a good place to start, especially when I considered that my intention was to use less of my time doing this thing, but to use that time more meaningfully.

I became determined to use the minutes that I’m actually in the app to engage with other people, not to numb out or kill time or look at pretty pictures, mindlessly.

And it’s working.

How do I do this?

Easy. When I click on the Instagram app and the feed opens and refreshes itself before me, I engage with the very first post I see. No matter if it’s my cousin or a blogger I’ve admired from afar or Apartment Therapy—I leave a thoughtful comment about what I’m seeing and/or reading.

Then, the post below that. Same deal.

I do this until I start to feel a little spent—which, incidentally (and somewhat hilariously), happens way quicker than those 15 minutes are up, because I’m actually engaged the whole time. My mind is working, my curiosity is fired up, my empathy is tuned in.

I’m socializing. I’m present. I’m meeting the poster’s humanity with my own.

I’m treating these little squares as though they’re people in the room with me, as though a conversation—even the briefest one—is the natural progression of things.

This takes energy—especially for me, a highly sensitive introvert.

It means I’m not seeing as many posts.

And I’m definitely not keeping up with as many people as before (though I do make exceptions; there are some folks whose accounts I check out periodically, whether or not they showed up in my feed, and I don’t always leave comments there when I do; baby steps!).

But I feel more connected on the whole…and I feel as though I’m using my time better, more meaningfully, and with intention.

Seven Personal Development Resources That Improved My Life in 2018 (Part 2)

[This is Part 2 of a two-part series on the very best personal development resources I discovered—and was changed by—in 2018.]

AN AWARENESS

This is decidedly more personal personal development, but 2018 was my year of more robust menstrual cycle awareness via two major sources:

5. Toni Weschler’s Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which I picked up thanks to enthusiastic endorsements from several different, unrelated female friends. In case the title puts you off, let me just say: This book isn’t only about fertility in the sense of becoming pregnant; it’s also about women’s gynecological and sexual health, and it’s written in a conversational tone as opposed to the disembodied dry voice of your ninth grade biology textbook. I learned more about my menstrual cycle from this book than I knew in 20 years of experiencing one firsthand! If you are a female of reproductive age, this book is a must-read.

6. Women’s life coach, Claire Baker, who specializes in menstrual cycle awareness. Of course I always knew my body operated on a cycle, but using Claire’s tools (many of which are free here), I developed a powerful awareness of just how much my energy and creativity change over the course of 30 or so days. With this new information, I’ve been able to alter my diet, my coaching and social schedules, and the expectations I have of myself—all depending on where I am in my cycle. Fellow uterus-owners: Life unfolds with far more ease when we pay attention to this integral part of our biology! If you haven’t already, do yourself a favor and tune into yours.

ANOTHER AWARENESS

This year was my first full year living in an entirely new-to-me climate. Dry, itchy skin and unusually straight hair in the winter weren’t the only side effects requiring some adjustments to my routine:

7. Besides being a licensed acupuncturist and practitioner of Chinese medicine, Lauren Kaneko-Jones is a seasonal wellness expert—something I’d never heard of, but came to majorly appreciate during my first January in northeast Wisconsin. From Lauren’s website:

In Chinese medicine the practice of living seasonally is vital to maintain well-being. Nutrition, lifestyle and mindset shifts as the weather and light shift. In our modern lives, how do we adjust our lifestyles to adapt to the shifts of the seasons? Oftentimes we continue forth in our seasons as if nothing has shifted. When we ignore change in our lives season by season it is an easy habit to ignore in our lives. Yet, we all change. We are always changing. Well in the West is a place to remind you to attune to nature’s messages, switch things up, live by the seasons and allow yourself to change.

As I’ve articulated before, living seasonally is a challenge for me (rather, doing so with full presence is where I struggle), so when I discovered Lauren’s work, I was prompted to pay closer attention to all the shifts and transitions that were happening around me, and within me, all the time. I enthusiastically endorse both Lauren’s weekly newsletter and Instagram feed because I’ve found that they offer me new insights into my human experience…and they also confirm for me what I might’ve felt on some intuitive level, but wasn’t yet able to articulate. Case in point: Lauren’s Instagram post from November 28th:

Keep things simple. December can make things complicated. There are many events, holidays, social activity and intensity. On top of that, it’s winter! Which means our bodies are craving simplicity.

Instant validation for the way I’m feeling—the way I’ve been feeling for some time—but might’ve believed was a winter experience particular to me and my fellow introverts.

And there you have it! These are the top seven resources I learned from this year and will be carrying forward—both personally and professionally—into 2019.

What about you? What meaningful resource or resources did you discover this year that made a difference in how you live? Please share with us below.