Wow! Last month's newsletter sparked some good conversation amidst a whole slew of unsubscribes. I'm laughingly referring to it as my most controversial Ask Helen to date! 😂

Click here if you missed it and want to get up to speed.

In lieu of a new topic, I'd like to dig a little deeper into what I shared last month.

Also, it seems worth saying: This is all just philosophical conversation. There isn't a right answer. Who could even say for sure how choice works—if we choose our feelings and reactions or not. I'm merely giving you a peek into what it looks like to me, as someone who's really interested in exploring this kind of stuff. You might have a different opinion, which is fantastic; I'm always curious to hear what you think, even and especially if it differs from what I think.

Anyway, a good place to start today is with some of the feedback I got from readers.

Before unsubscribing, one reader wrote me the following:

“All humans can learn and become better. Dictionaries are free to use in any library, there you look up words, the pronunciation, and the various meanings for each word. Pencil and paper & take notes, learn!”

They were referring to this part of last month's newsletter:

“Let’s say someone mispronounces a word. It’s not a mistake that they feel embarrassed about or even correct themselves over; more like they think this mispronunciation is actually how the word is supposed to be pronounced.

We could say the person who mispronounces the word is in control of how they pronounce it, right?

But that doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense, because a person can only pronounce a word in the way that occurs to them. They don’t choose to mispronounce it, just as they don’t actually choose a pronunciation to begin with. They just go ahead and say the word in the way that occurs to them, maybe in the way they’ve said it in their mind when they’ve read the word on paper.

The same could be said for any feeling or reaction of ours.”

Here's what I wrote back to the reader:

“Thanks for your reply. I totally agree! And it will absolutely occur to some people to look up the word, if they suspect they’ve been mispronouncing it. But if they have no idea, it likely won’t occur to them—until/unless someone points it out.

All I’m saying is, we can only ever do what occurs to us. It’s less about choice and more about newfound awareness and insight.

The same goes for feelings/reactions. It will absolutely occur to some people to get the help/resources they need to shift their feelings/reactions, if they suspect that how they’re currently experiencing life isn’t working great for them. But none of us can do what doesn’t occur to us. It’s not a matter of choice. Do you see what I mean?”

I guess I'd take that even a step further and say this: We educate ourselves when it occurs to us to do so. Sometimes we deeply desire to become "better" (whatever that means), so we set about finding ways to "improve" ourselves (again, these are pretty judgmental words to use, but I'm sure you know what I'm getting at).

At no point was I or am I suggesting that humans can't learn or can't become better. I'm simply saying that the thought has to occur to us in order for us to do so.

Let's return to my mispronunciation analogy.

Imagine English isn't my first language. For the most part, I speak it pretty well, though I'm really keen to nail the pronunciation of a word I struggle with (I know I struggle with it because native speakers have a hard time understanding me when I say it and/or have gently corrected me before).

I might go to the library, pick up a dictionary, look up the word, and practice pronouncing it. I might google the word and find a YouTube video wherein I can actually hear a person pronouncing it. I might ask a native speaker for help.

I'm capable of learning, yes! And, the thought has occurred to me to learn more; the thought has occurred to me that the way I'm saying the word 1. isn't correct, 2. is making me difficult to understand, and 3. could be improved upon. It occurs to me to use a resource or two to land on the correct pronunciation of the word.

Someone else who mispronounces a word might never have the thought, Hmm, I'd like to make sure I'm saying this word correctly. Is this person choosing to stay ignorant? Can we say with certainty that a choice is being made here, or might it be more accurate to say that the person is quite simply oblivious? And innocently so. There can't be a choice where there isn't a lightbulb moment of insight.

Later, I received a really thoughtful comment on the blog post, itself. This one is from my cousin, Debbie:

“I’ve seen these messages around too, however I took choosing how one reacts not to mean choosing how you feel about it, but rather what you do about it. You can feel upset with a situation, but do you want to actively sit in that feeling, or do you want to get up and do the next thing in your day, or go for a walk? Someone at work could really make you angry, but do you react by being passive aggressive or choose a different approach?”

This response makes a ton of sense to me.

In fact, I shared this exact perspective when I first considered the idea of choosing our feelings and reactions. This is what made sense to me. That people always chose how they behaved, how they responded, what came out of their mouths. That people chose to be kind or unkind, forgiving or grudge-holding, better or bitter, and so on.

But at some point recently, I started digging around a bit more and began to see 'choice' differently.

Here's how I responded:

“Great points, Debbie! (And thanks for taking the time to articulate that.)

I wonder, though, if this interpretation really changes anything. I mean, yeah, we can say that someone who actively stews in a negative feeling, pouting or being snarky or whatever, is choosing to react that way—instead of, say, going for a walk or taking a time-out. We can say that someone who’s passive aggressive to an annoying co-worker is choosing that negative behavior. It sure looks like they’re choosing it, right? Especially because there are other options available to them. Or, at least it looks that way to us.

But I guess I’m just not convinced it’s a choice. ‘Choice’ kind of implies that someone weighed their options and deliberately selected one. And sure, that happens sometimes, when it occurs to someone that they want to break a pattern of behavior/reactivity. Absolutely, yes. But besides that, I don’t think anyone’s deliberately selecting anything. I think we’re all just reacting in the ways that occur to us. On some level (or levels), it makes the most sense to us to react in this way or that, regardless of what might be a “better choice”—retrospectively, of course.

I think ‘choice’ and ‘choosing’ make it seem like there’s a bunch more higher-level, thoughtful consideration happening than what’s going on in reality. It also implies that we can somehow go against our natural impulses—which, sure, we can when it occurs to us to do so...but not when it doesn’t.

Does this make sense?

I love philosophizing about this stuff! And it’s even more fun with company. 😉 Feel free to disagree and argue back! I think this is how we all come to understand a bit more about the nature of humanity.”

And now that I'm rereading my reply to Debbie, I'm seeing a place where I should probably elaborate.

When I use the phrase "a bunch more higher-level, thoughtful consideration," I don't mean to imply that such consideration can't happen or never happens. Plenty of people make a conscious effort to choose reactions that are less destructive, or to talk themselves into feeling differently about some situation—because such techniques have occurred to them.

But even then, I don't see it as control. I see it as maybe a combination of insight and good fortune; not as something over which they have limitless agency.

So, I'm curious to know what all of this looks like for you. Do you feel as though you always choose how to think about something, how to feel about it, how you respond to it? Can you think of a time or times when, perhaps, you didn't feel like a choice was being made?

Share in the comments below. I always love hearing from you, whether or not you agree with me!

Get a dose of coaching, in your inbox, every month.