Dear Helen,

If I’m (really very) self-reflective and aware, how can my self-concept be so poor (outrageously different from what others tell me about myself)? I’m doing a lot of “the work”, but I’m still struggling to believe the (good) things they say about me. It’s hard to identify with them. Is there a trick?!

Thank you!
Down on Myself

Dear Down on Myself,

What if I told you your poor self-concept is nothing more than a habit?

It's something that served you at some point, probably when you were very young and before you had a lot of other ways of coping—but it has since ceased to be useful. In fact, it's more hurtful than anything.

What if your inability to identify with praise you're given means nothing about you?

You're not broken or damaged; there isn't anything to "work" on. You just have an old habit that's kicking around, playing some old tapes in your head—tapes that you don't even necessarily believe anymore.

The thing about habituated thinking is that it's efficient. Our minds love being efficient. Really, they can't help but be efficient; it's the nature of a mind.

So, at some point, it made sense to think poorly of yourself. Maybe it made sense to put yourself down or to not get too big of an ego or to deflect compliments, etc. It made sense to do that because you didn't know what else to do and probably there was some solid cultural conditioning floating around that encouraged this way of being.

Thinking poorly of yourself helped you to not be hurt or to feel hard, painful things; it helped you to secure love; it helped you to stay in good graces with people you depended on. Who knows exactly. But it made sense, so you did it.

What it sounds like you're coming up against now is that it no longer makes sense.

And yet, you're still doing it.

You get a compliment and your mind has an autopilot response system in place.

Nah, it says. They don't know who I really am. I'm not actually worthy/good/special.

It's not that you really think this (though I bet it feels like you do!).

And it's (obviously) not that this is even remotely true.

It's that you've thought it a million times before now, in situations just like this.

You see how it's simply a matter of programming, right?

How could you not think these shitty-self thoughts when they've been your mind's go-to for ages?

Your mind is running on old, easy information that doesn't rock the boat. It's beautifully efficient and tragically untrue.

So, what do you do now that you know it's just a habit?

You do, what I like to call, the Ope, there's that thought again!

(I don't think I ever actually said "ope" before moving to the midwest, but it's such a handy little word. Not quite so definitively apologetic as "oops," and not as excitable as "ahhhh!" It's the perfect amount of surprise, with an innocent little shoulder shrug thrown in for good measure. I think I need this t-shirt.)

Basically, you acknowledge the habitual thought each and every time it comes up.

Ope, there's that thought again! My mind sure likes to trot that one out in these sorts of situations.

It's a way of reminding yourself that there's no problem here; your mind has all sorts of thoughts floating through it at any given time, and this one just happens to be an oldie that's been given a lot of airtime (i.e. attention, "work," concern, belief), historically.

I mean it when I say this is all you have to do.

Recognize the habitual, impersonal nature of the thought.

Do a little mental shoulder shrug.

And carry on.

I hope this helps!

Love,
Helen